Mibear- Because I Have To Get It Out!

I’m about to go to Miabear’s house. I’m like a kid on Christmas Eve, I’m so excited that I can’t sleep. I’m not normally the type to gush but I feel that I just have to- especially before I get up there. She knows I write on a blog but has no idea where and she just isn’t the type of girl to look it up. So, I know I can safely talk here without her laughing at me.

That sounds rude, but that’s just how we are. We tease each other and it’s never cruel or in a way that could harm either’s feelings. We can be a bit like an old married couple in that way.

I realized, after my last post, that I had to write this. She’s just…wow. I can talk to Miabear like I can talk to Kitty and Flutterby, maybe even about more. It seems, to me, that she always knows what to say. I’m depressed about my father since the day before yesterday- because I forgot his birthday. I feel badly for that, like I’m a bad person. She’s helping me cope without going too far. Dad can be a touchy subject.

She’s amazing. I can talk to her about anything, anything at all and that’s important to me. She lets me ramble on and on, sometimes to the point that I get on my own nerves and shut up. She’s never been standoffish about anything that’s bothering me and seems to understand my anxiety issues on a level that I’m pretty sure is not normal. It’s awesome.

There is just something about her that is inherently amazing. She’s one of those people, the type that everybody loves. I’ve not met anyone who doesn’t like her. Kitty doesn’t like anyone, she’s one of those people. She is constantly standoffish and cold and sometimes mean. She’s also highly opinionated and sometimes very critical. SHE loves Miabear. That, in itself, is a serious feat.

Everyone knows that person, the one that makes friends where she/he goes. That person is my girlfriend. She plays with my kids and has developed some sort of…bro type bond with my son that I’m incapable of understanding. She is amazing.

Don’t get me wrong, Miabear can be an ass. It’s sobering to think about, she can take “being a total dick” to a whole new level. She’s been to the point that my mouth closes, my jaw tightens and I level her with the mom-glare-of-pain. It seems to have no effect, if you’re wondering. Yet, some part of me loves that about her too.

She calls me on my bullshit.

She is always there for me, even when she’s not here, when I need her.

I feel safe with her- and not just on the physical level. Yeah, I’ve been in an abusive relationship that racked my mind and still gives me a twitch to think about. So, sometimes, I don’t feel completely safe. She solves that but I also feel safe to tell her anything and to wear whatever, to just be me.

It’s odd, for me, to be able to show myself to someone one hundred percent, and that someone be engaged in a romantic relationship with me. Only Kitty and Flutterby know all of me and that can really be debated.

She even likes the things about me that annoy me to hell.

This weekend is going to be amazing. I have yet to meet any of her friends. I’ve met her family, of course, that couldn’t be avoided. But she holds these friends closer, I believe. This particular friend has only ever met one of the girls she’s dated and that couldn’t be helped, the way I understand it. This part of her just seems very…private. Yet, I get to go. It’s not a fluke where it had to be worked out that way, she planned it this way.

And she’s trying to brush it off, like it’s not important, when I know it is.

In turn, I’m trying not to make it out to be a big deal. Still, it really touches me that I’m that special to her even if it sounds silly to you. Everyone has strange things about themselves like that, keep that in mind.

Either way, she’s mind blowingly amazing and I can’t seem to get enough. It’s in that cocky laugh (that’s her normal laugh, all of the time, at everything), and her ability to call me on my bullshit- see me for who I am and past anything that I try to put up on the contrary. It’s in the looks she gives me, like her wink, that shut me up and make my brain malfunction. It’s in how she understands me and I can talk to her about anything- even if she disagrees or doesn’t like it- I never feel like I can’t. It’s awesome.

This whole relationship, no matter how long it lasts, is going to be awesome. It’s going to be one I never forget. That excites the shit out of me 😀

Go Away, Santa, I’m Not Ready.

Thanksgiving isn’t even here yet, never mind that everywhere was pushing my Halloween stuff out of the way before it was even here. Noooo, never mind any of that. But, can we just talk about this for a second? I love Christmas, I do. I’m that day after Thanksgiving girl that immediately begins decorating the next morning. I enjoy getting my loppers out and tromping out to the cedar trees (no pine around here) and cutting lots and lots of fresh boughs. The tree goes out, my nutcracker (look, do not *touch*, it’s a serious offense in my house) collection, among other things go out. I like the vintage style, I spend at least three full days doing everything and I don’t mind taking it down. I decorate for every holiday but none so much as Halloween, Christmas and Easter, in that order. I have more decorations than your average old lady. But there is a time and a place for it.

As I’m ranting about this the other day it occurs to me…Christmas is coming. It’s not that far off. My heart begins to pound, I pale, my eyes go wide and the panic begins. I have little to no money this year. I can get the kids enough, I always do. I am not worried about them, they always have enough. So, it begins. I have Miabear, Kitty, and Flutterby to worry about. What about my real family? What about my two brothers? What about Kitty and Flutterby’s four children?! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!

Last year, I made Kitty a stuffed Oblina doll, from Ahhhh! Real Monsters. It was much loved, and is still haunting a hanging light in her living room, staring at people. I feel bad for people who don’t know who Oblina is. That’s a sad fact in itself really but having her watching you wrapped around a chain? I can only imagine.

So, I’ve got needles, thread, glitter, glue, other various craft supplies and one hell of an imagination. I have been crafting to a ridiculous level. It makes it so much worse when I’m making people things. Some strange part of me gifts pretty heavily to those I really care about. I have no idea why I do it but I do, I always have. So far, Miabear is getting a book safe. Let me just say that is not as easy as it looks, people. I even went so far as to have the page number start on a special number. Yeah, I’m that attentive to detail. She is also getting a handmade journal. I was going to hand make the paper, but that didn’t work so I used copy paper. On this, use a thimble, you’re gonna need it. I glued nick knacks all over the cover as well. She is also one of those people that gets oddly cold all of the time so hand warmers are happening. She is terribly close to her niece and nephew so I’ve been gathering pictures of them to use as well. Because I’m a cool girlfriend, that’s why. I’m awesome and I know it.

Kitty is getting an Ickus to go with her Oblina. I have the fabric for that, haven’t done it yet either. I have, however, made her purse. It’s denim, with four pockets besides the huge one and has mushrooms on it. I used exaggerated stitches and spent at least an hour trying to turn the strap inside out. Kitty will also get a mushroom pillow. I bet you can’t figure out what Kitty collects? Yeah, she’s a hippie. A hillbilly hippie. Just…let that sink in.

As far as Flutterby…I’m at a loss. I was going to do butterflies or pigs but I don’t know. I have no idea what to do for her this year. Of course, I’ll make her a peanut butter pie, it’s a tradition. I’m also going to write down my recipes for her and organize them in some cool way but unsure on that. Other than that? I’m clueless.

Someone else is getting a glass bong. Yeah, I *made* it. From scratch. Well, I mean, I had a bottle but whatever. It’s for tobacco, of course. Hmmm….

I will post pics later of these things and the COMPLETELY KICK ASS PURSE I MADE FOR ME, later. I’m also making myself a really cute apron and one for all three of my kids.

Is anyone else going the handmade route for their Christmas? What are you making? Is anyone freaking out about gifts like I am? I need help. Maybe a therapist.

Story Time! How I Met My Miabear.

As I write this it is 1:35 am. The day before everything. Go on, ask me what I’ve done. Nothing. I have procrastinated and I know it. The sad, sad, thing is…I’m still doing it.
I like to talk a lot, I’m sure you can tell. Miabear says I never shut up. Lucky for me, she likes it. Well, if we’re realistic, I know she’s tuning me out sometimes. She has that ability. However, she catches the majority and never lets on that she’s not really listening. She even goes as far as to tell me she loves it and all the random things that I know. My theory is that my head is so full of random knowledge that I talk to dispel it, because the younger I was the less I talked. I swear, as a small child, you couldn’t make me talk. I, of course, know that she’s doing it but she doesn’t know that I know.
I’m going to tell you how we met! Yay!
Alright, so, because I live in a-small-town-called-hell, most of the out LGBT community doesn’t come out until they’re gone *or* comes out and then quickly leaves. My options for dating are all exes. You know that wary look you give a mouse trap as you’re setting it? That’s the look I had when I decided to come back out onto the dating scene. So, I looked elsewhere. I’m just not the self punishment type.
First came my ex, who turned out to be…I don’t even know…in a town next to us. That…didn’t work out. I am attracted emotionally and sexually to…this energy, that some girls put out. Some girls don’t. A lot don’t, in my opinion and those that do are always females that identify as masculine and/or dominant. Hell if I know what it is, I’ll save that for a later post, k? Either way, she wasn’t it.
So, dating pool to 0. Again.
I was whining to a guy-friend of mine, one I’ve known since forever. You guys know that one guy who’s really laid back? Usually, they have long hair and play drums or guitar, and everyone in every place loves that guy? That’s him. He suggested that I get on POF (plenty of fish) at which point I remembered OkCupid as well. Online dating is scary to me. It makes me nervous. But, I tried it.
I was talking to several girls when Miabear messaged me. She’s got this look in her profile picture…you know the I-can-be-a-really-mean-person bitch face? She’s got *that* going on. I almost wrote her off, just because the look on her face. If you’ve never seen it, you’re not looking hard enough. However, she sent me her phone number and we began to text. She lived two and a half hours from me.
Texting turned into calling rather quickly as she wanted to tell me longer stories and I her but who wants to type all of that on an itty bitty keyboard? No one, sir; I say, no one. So, we talked. When I say we talked, I mean…I called her this day and other than to sleep or use the bathroom, did not get off of the phone with her for three straight weeks.
Now, I can deal with studs (all masculine of center women are being classified under that because I’m feeling lazy. You know who you are.) all day every day. If we’re on the phone, texting, internet, whatever. Face to face? Pfffft, HA! No. I swear, the majority of the time (majority being when I don’t have my face in a book) I am an outgoing and friendly person. I am like this with the general population and people I am uninterested in dating. However, if she is a “stud” and attractive in a way that I would consider a relationship- so much no. I just turn into…I’m shy, okay?!
She suggested we meet.
Shit got real.
I called Kitty immediately because my mind had malfunctioned. I had agreed to come to her, two and a half hours away, knowing good and damned well I’d seem like it was all a front and that’s not who I was. I was freaking out, man. Kitty agreed to go with me and elbow/push/hand signal/blow a semi-poisonous dart at me/whatever it took, to keep me normal and myself. I put on my big girl panties and warned Miabear. I had to. Kitty needs a warning label and I’m it. She wanted an explanation and I explained that I didn’t want to shut down. She wanted to know if there was something she could do to keep me from turning into a shy girly girl. I told her to hug me.
I immediately wondered why the hell I said that, being as shy as I am.
Three and a half hours (never, I repeat NEVER, trust Google Maps, they lie) and one…interesting road trip later, we had arrived. Kitty and I spilled out of the car as though we were just glad to be anywhere and immediately straightened up. As I approached Miabear who, surprisingly enough, looks better than her profile pictures, it started. My heart was pounding, I wasn’t sure what to say, and I became generally anxious. Most people get over that type of reaction in school. Not a lot of people can cause me to act that way.
Yes, I have an anxiety disorder. Normally, it’s very under control. It took years to be able to do this but never around anyone I’m attracted to. I just can’t control that.
Then, she hugged me. Like…no hellos, no real greetings of any kind. I came around the picnic table where she was sitting and she just stood up and hugged me. As she was hugging me, she greeted Kitty and chatted amicably with her, as if I wasn’t there, her arms casually around me and talking over my head. Not in a rude way, it was very accommodating.
She smelled amazingly, of course and it was just perfect. We just clicked. Throughout the day there (we spent ten times longer there than we meant to), every time that anxiety would kick up, she found a way to stop it. I haven’t felt it since then.
I even managed not to giggle like an idiot or say something terribly stupid when she touched me.
Now, the kids paternal families have been very accommodating since then as well. Nearly every weekend, I am either with her or she is with me. Sometimes, that weekend turns into a week, given what arrangements can be made.
Then, my kids birthday parties rolled around. My eldest two are a year and eight days apart. They’re at those ages where it’s still okay to share a party. Miabear was there and as soon as we came in, I lost her. She just…vanished. Most people do around my strange family. Then, chasing my nephew about, I realized I had also lost my children. Where did I find them? Hanging out with miabear in the living room floor, playing with their brand new toys. It occurred to me at that moment that I loved her. It also occurred to me that I had taken on another, older child, but that’s okay 😀
Now, I’m looking into the idea of moving. I won’t be moving in with her, I’m not a Uhaul lesbian, but I will be in the same town. I want to say it’s because of her, and I know a part of it is.
There’s just something about her that I haven’t felt in a long time. A really long time. In the post “A Letter to Studs” she does all of that. We’re not just dating, or just lovers, we’re really good friends. She said “it’s like you’re my girl *and* my *girl*, does that make sense?” recently. It makes perfect sense to me. She is just awesome, on so many levels, for so many reasons.
But mostly, it’s getting out of here. It’s a fresh start in a place where no one knows me. I love that. I want to take Kitty and Flutterby with me- Kitty is supposed to go too. But….I just have my doubts. I feel like they’re beginning to get Stockholm’s. I’m afraid all we’ll ever do, if I wait for them, will be sitting around and talking about leaving. I can’t live my life that way. Either way, I’m going. I can already feel my soul dying from being here and I can’t live like this. To save myself, I have to go and, who knows? Maybe, I’ll convince them to come along too. Either way…it’s really depressing.