No, really, I’m a girl. I was born this way. Inside and out, a girl. I’m a feminine girl, at that. So, and, well….yeah. Why does that bother me? Why do I let it bother me? That’s complete and utter bullshit and it now bothers me that I ever let it bother me.
See, when I first ended up on the street, due to a rift in my family caused by my sexual preferences, everything changed. I was a victim of circumstance and age…yadda, yadda, blah, blah, so forth and so on. Still, I was and am an intelligent female. I knew on the spot that my submissive and feminine tendencies were going to get me eaten alive. So, yeah, I put on this badass front.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a badass. Really. Stop laughing.
I took on more masculine tendencies, dress, etc. I made myself this way to protect myself. How terrible is that? How misogynistic? Clearly, I see the issue now but I didn’t then. I’m not sure what bothers me worse about the whole situation, to be honest with you. Is it that I saw being feminine as weak? Or, is it that it actually worked- that I got more respect as a masculine of center woman than I did as feminine? I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to that, I really don’t. I was so, so miserable.
Therein lies my new problem. That…act, that absolute mockery of…just every thing, is still haunting me to this day. So, I get away from the hard drugs and the bad people, yeah. I’ve still got friends that knew me then, though. I decide to be myself, a little at a time and to just stop the bullshit. I started by actually wearing my clothes, the ones beginning to gather dust and my makeup. Oh yeah, that got a lot of attention but no one said anything and it felt so damned good.
Then, I came out of the closet. The people that knew me best basically just snorted derisively in my face and went back to what they were doing. “Oh, you’re a lesbian? Who knew?” was said in the driest, most sarcastic tone imaginable. Smartasses, my friends.
Now, a lot of said friends met me in the time period of me retreating into the safety of my closet and coming back out. Read: they’d never seen me date girls. This brought up a lot of issues. My relationships with men on any type of romantic level were all shot to hell. Why? Because one of us wasn’t meant to be there, obviously. I got the strangest questions, like, “with all that fighting with boys, what are you going to do with girls?” what…what does that even *mean*?
Now, so that there is no confusion, I’m just not attracted to feminine presenting females. Let me rephrase that, I can and do find them attractive. Yes, sir/ma’am/other, I do. But, it’s just not my sexual/romantic thing. Nope, to be a bit of a narcissist, there’s only room for one princess in my relationship. Me. So, generally, I can be found with masculine of center women, studs, whatever we’re calling them these days. On a side note, part of me feels like I should probably be keeping up with this but…you know…I have other things to do. Like bake cookies…PTA and all that rot.
So, enter my new masculine of center girlfriend, stage left. In my defense, I did try to explain to my more curious (and sometimes possibly questionable) friends that Val with men is different than Val with women. Why, they asked. BECAUSE I’M A LESBIAN. I need a shirt that says that.
Cue really rude shit. “Oh my God, Val, you’re acting like such a girl.” For those of you not following, I’m Val. Yes, I am a girl. “Stop acting like such a girl”, “what’s wrong with you, you’re being a total bitch”, etc. That’s just…so…offensive. It really is. Now, if you’re curious, I will explain why they were saying these things.
Because…well, I’m an awkward person sometimes. Okay, when romance is involved, I’m awkward. I’m the blushing type. I swear, in the eyes of the public I am a strong, loud mouthed, opinionated woman. I take no shit, only names. Put in front of girl-I’m-interested-in and I’m a giggler. A blushing giggler at that. Why, I have no idea. Any insight on that would be appreciated. I mean, my brain is a thesaurus, I do well with the written and spoken word, my brain never stops moving. Enter hot girl and…I’m suddenly useless. I don’t know why anyone trusts me with anything. Sigh.
So, said girl doesn’t work out. My friends pass it off as a fluke. Enter new girlfriend, stage right. Instantly, I’m a giggling and blushing mess…again. As per usual, I knew this would happen. Again with the comments, as stated above.
Then, I read this thing. I can’t find it to post it here. So help me, I identified with what she was saying and the humor of it. There is humor there, so stay calm if you read it (when I find it, I’ll post the link). But this comment… it just blew my mind. So, what’s wrong with me being a girl? What’s wrong with me being feminine and girly? Why was I (note: “was”, I’m over it) letting it bother me? This girl, the author, was proud to be a femme and she owned it. The commenter was also femme and she felt like I did, like we’d done something wrong.
I’m still dealing with this bit mentally. Somehow, in all my adventures, I’ve let myself develop a mindset that being “such a girl” is wrong. Me, the same girl who has struggled to represent and advocate strong women everywhere for so long…what is this? I can’t figure out where this comes from, why I did all this and felt this way. Insight would be much appreciated.
Oh, and there’s more…there’s so much more. But, I’ll save that for the next post.